Shades of Gray

Summary: An overheard confession will lead a future Janeway down a very different path then the one she already walks.
Disclaimer: Oh you know the deal already.
Author: Joanie M
Email: chakotayslove@msn.com
Rated: PG

This story has not been beta read. As usual I waited till the very last

minute to finish it. I apologize in advance for any mistakes. (You have been

“Commander… is it really necessary for us to use the Jeffries tubes?” The

captain asked as she stopped crawling to hike the canister holster up her arm

for the tenth time. It was really starting to annoy her.

“It will be a lot quicker this way captain, safer too.” His voice held that

soft, caring inflection, the one she was beginning to wonder about. It was

almost a caress. “We won’t run into as much trouble in here,” then he amended

his statement. “Well… at least no more micro viruses.” Chakotay said with a

chuckle as he began crawling again, on his way to inoculate the next gel

The captain sighed, once again hiking up the holster and continued to follow

the commander. She had to admit, if she hadn’t had that nice firm, crawling

backside in front of her as a distraction, and his soft gentle voice

encouraging her on, she would have torn the damn holster off by now and left

“Trouble commander,” she said teasingly, “I didn’t know you shied away from

that. I thought all you rebel soldiers reveled in it.” She wanted to know

more about this philosophical soldier she had lent Mark’s engagement present

too. She found him intriguing and was beginning to understand why her future

Chakotay chuckled once again, “Rebel… captain? I believe the definition for

the word ‘rebel,’ means to ‘resist the authority of ones government.’ And if

there is one thing in the Delta Quadrant that I haven’t been able to do

captain, that would be… to resist you. Once you flashed those baby blues,” he

teased, “All thoughts of an insurrection immediately left my mind. I’ve been

She noticed his strong muscular thighs and the sleek way he moved through the

tubes. She felt as if she were following after a panther and for a moment she

wished he was stalking her. “Docile” she thought, “I don’t think so. Not with

that animal magnetism.” Kathryn blushed, a lovely shade of pink, she was glad

“And we have really been friends all this time?” She asked him, trying to

block out the images of him stalking her like sexual prey.

“The best of friends Kathryn,” he said with a smile in his voice. “Oh don’t

get me wrong. We’ve had our fair share of rough moments too, but in the end,

even those have bought us closer together.” He said as he rounded a corner in

“Chakotay,” It was the first time since this entire ordeal began that she had

called him by his first name. He smiled; he had missed hearing her say it.

“Thank you for being my friend,” she said simply.

“You’re welcome,” he said as he came to a stop in front of a panel. He

reached up and pried the cover off the compartment concealing the gel pack.

Kathryn loaded a canister of the inoculant and handed it to him.

Her attention was diverted by movement from the left. She could see someone

through the grill of the ductwork. She sat there transfixed, what she saw was

mesmerizing, for there… on the opposite side of the grill, stood her self.

Well not her present self, but her future self.

The future captain was older and slightly heavier, her hair was short, shoulder

length really. The younger Kathryn touched her hair self consciously, she was rather

surprised that she had cut it. But it wasn’t just the physical differences that held her

spellbound. It was her older counterpart’s words and actions that held her

“It’s not spying if I’m watching my self commander.” She whispered with a

small smile before returning her attention to the scene playing out before

He didn’t exactly agree with her logic, but he didn’t make an issue out of it

either. Still he felt a bit uncomfortable about anyone spying on his captain,

even if that spy was his captain’s younger self. He was beginning to see why

temporal anomalies gave his Kathryn a headache.

The older captain had entered her quarters. It had been a very long and

emotional day for her and she desperately needed to unwind. She peeled off

her jacket and headed for her bathroom. Kathryn poured a generous amount of

relaxing bath oil in to the filling bathtub. She returned to the bedroom a

moment later. She slid off her pants leaving on her gray tee shirt.

“Computer, record personal log, Kathryn Janeway,” She said as she pulled a

robe from the closet and then took out a clean pair of panties. She was

completely unaware of the blue eyes that watched her or the ears that

listened to her tortured musings. “Today I have received some very wonderful

news. It seems as if our Chief engineer and ace pilot have been working on a

little project all of there own.” She said with a little smile. “That’s

right… B’Elanna and Tom are expecting a baby. And I couldn’t be happier for

both of them. They love each other so much and have made such incredible

strides in their personal lives. I wish them all the luck in the world, they

both deserve this happiness. The crew are all ecstatic; it has been quite

awhile since we’ve had a baby on board.”

“I know Chakotay is thrilled at the thought of being an uncle,” she said as

she picked up a holo-image of Chakotay off her night stand and caressed it

lovingly. “But I didn’t miss the flash of longing that appeared in his expressive eyes

when we were discussing her pregnancy privately. What’s more, I’m sure it

matched the look in my own eyes. He wants a family, his own family, but

protocol dictates that I deny us both, what we want most.” She walked over to

the bed and picked up a pillow, she clutched it tightly to her chest. “Yes

that’s right, I’ll admit it finally, I want the same things too. I always

thought I would become a parent someday; it was all in my plan. However this

little detour into deep space was not a part of that plan. We’ve been here so

long and each year I see my chance at happiness slipping away. Sometimes I

just want to say the hell with the damned Delta Quadrant, to hell with my

uniform and Starfleet and my responsibility to the crew. Some times I just

want to be Kathryn and have a life again.” She paced around the room.

“I don’t understand how is it possible for me to feel so happy and ecstatic

for B’Elanna and Tom, yet at the same time feel so jealous, that I want to

scream and rage. This all seems so unfair. How come they get to have all the

happiness? Why is it that they can openly acknowledge there love, while I

have to hide my love away from Chakotay. Why does she get to bear a child,

while I only get to dream of doing it?” She asked in frustration.

Kathryn didn’t want to have these feelings, but some how they kept plaguing

her. Ever since B’Elanna had made the announcement she felt a myriad of

emotions course through her system. Kathryn had felt her womanhood and her own

mortality in question. Would she have been a good mother given the opportunity?

there would be nothing left of her self in the future. Protocol had determined

that. She pushed the pillow up under her tee shirt as she stood in front of

the full length mirror. “B’Elanna will get to watch her body grow with

child,” she said on a choked sob. “And I will never get the chance to see the

same of mine.” She caressed the swell of her pillow stuffed stomach with her

hand, wishing for something that would never be. “She will get to nurse her

child and bond with it. Yet that is an experience I will be forever denied.”

Both Kathryn’s brushed at the tears that slid down their cheeks. The older

Kathryn moved towards the sound of the running water. She stopped long enough

to pull the pillow back out from under her blouse. She threw the pillow back

on the bed. “Some times I hate this damned job so much,” she said wiping at

the tears. “Computer,” she said lifting her head, and squaring her shoulders,

“Delete personal log, Kathryn Janeway.” She disappeared into the bathroom to

The younger Kathryn sat there stunned. The job she had wanted more then

anything else in the world hadn’t turned out at all the way she had planned.

She had sacrificed too much of herself to these pips. Her older self looked

so lonely and tired, as if she bore the weight of the universe on her slender

shoulders. How could she bare all her pain alone?

Chakotay couldn’t see the older version of Kathryn, but he hadn’t missed a

word of her one sided conversation. He knew this was a Kathryn from a future

timeline. B’Elanna and Tom had made no such announcement. He had smiled when

Kathryn revealed her hidden feeling for him. She loved him as much as he did

her. Chakotay was not about to sit by and let her martyr her self for

Starfleet protocol another minute. Now that he knew how she felt about him,

that she wanted his children, the future Kathryn was in for a few surprises.

Never again would he allow their job to get between them. He heard the

sniffles of the younger Kathryn. He reached out to her and she took his hand.

“Don’t worry Kathryn, I’ll be there for her,” he squeezed her hand softly,

reassuringly, “I promise. Come on,” he said gently, “we have to get moving

They moved on to there next assignment, both of them with a lot to think

about. The future wasn’t written in stone nor was it written in black and

white. Chakotay had discovered the shades of gray and planned to use them to

their advantage. After all he and Kathryn deserved some happiness too.

I once read that Kate Mulgrew thought that Janeway should have had an episode

where she dealt with the fact that she would never have Children. Well I

thought that was a good idea, hence this little scene. (But I like happier